Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is incomplete. He neglected to consider cats. (Schrödinger didn’t, but we’re talking about Einstein here.)

After taking my kids to see “Interstellar” last fall and doing some extra-curricular reading about black holes, relativity, quantum mechanics, etc. (just ‘cuz), I am developing my own corollary to this theory as applied to cats.

The Theory of Relativity states that space-time is curved in the vicinity of extremely dense objects with a large gravitational field, e.g. black holes. The theory also states that time dilates in reference frames that are moving at speeds comparable to the speed of light. Fair enough. But both of these phenomena are also observable in the vicinity of objects moving that are not moving at all and that generate a large Stillness and Serenity Field, e.g. sleeping cats.

All of you cat lovers have observed it. You can plainly see the curvature of space-time around a sleeping kitty and that the Universe forms a Stillness and Serenity Field in their vicinity as shown in the photograph of my cats below (from left to right:  Sarge, Ozzie, and Gunner). Moreover, when you have had a kitty sleeping in your lap, or better yet, one that is just awake enough to generate a purr that fills the room, haven’t you thought to yourself (and believed it) that time just comes to a grinding halt and that you could hold onto that peaceful moment for Eternity?

I rest my case.


And for the Piėce de Résistance, this is all consistent with the ubiquitous statement that each cat is the Center of the Universe, Q.E.D.

And yes, I know that the astute reader will attempt to point out that in my statement that the kitty is not moving, I am neglecting the rotation of the Earth about its axis, the revolution of the Earth about the Sun, the revolution of our solar system through the Milky Way galaxy, etc. etc. etc. But I have not neglected these factors at all; I am fully aware of them. I am simply saying that the Stillness and Serenity Field around the sleeping (or chilling and purring) kitty overpowers all of those other factors, much the same as a black hole’s powerful gravitational field bends light.

The Theory of Relativity also states that space contracts in reference frames travelling at speeds comparable to the speed of light. My cats demonstrate this every day. When I get up in the morning to feed them, they are right outside my bedroom door, and they are definitely travelling near the speed of light in their excitement to get breakfast. When I open the door just a crack, about 1 millimeter, Ozzie manages to squeeze his entire body through it. His body is easily 100 times wider than the crack, but he gets through it because of spatial compression, again Q.E.D.

Einstein got this last part right as applied to cats, so we’ll give him partial credit.

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